Why Do I Keep Attracting the Same Type of Relationship Partner Into My Life?

All too often, the weight of your past is carried on to your next relationship.  When you bring along these old hurts, it’s a sure-fire way to sabotage any new love.

Based on your childhood history, emotional wounds you’ve experienced in the past and baggage carried from relationship to relationship, we create belief systems about ourselves and the world. We then attract people into our lives who will treat us the way we “believe” we should be treated, whether respectfully or abusively.

Consciously or unconsciously, we teach people how to treat us. Our underlying levels of self-confidence, insecurities and fears play a part in broadcasting the message of how we “expect” to be treated. Those expectations are always met. So if you are used to being controlled, neglected, cheated on or physically abused in a relationship, you’ll attract the perfect partner to continue the same behaviors and maintain that treatment.

If you’re used to being with a certain relationship “type,” you’ll likely keep being attracted to that same type again and again, repeating patterns that never change — unless you bring new awareness and consciousness to your reality.

Many women do this because they gravitate towards what feels most comfortable – even when it’s not what we think we want. If your “type” is dominating men, for example, you may not find a more passive man attractive.  Without realizing it, your choices become an unconscious habit that is difficult to break — without inner work and awareness.

So if you find yourself partnering with the same type of man again and again, step outside the box to try something – and someone – new.  Avoid macho men and  “players.” Allow those with a more sensitive and caring nature to sweep you off your feet.  Then see how the relationship goes. You’ll finally be breaking a pattern that may have been a poor fit for long-term relationship success.

Identify Your Feelings about the Past

Your previous relationships may have left you with some unresolved issues, anxiety and low self-esteem. Those doubts and negative emotions can trigger irrational thoughts or behaviors within you. When you let these feelings grow, instead of releasing them, you unconsciously repeat the programming in your next relationship.  This causes a cycle of unhealthy behaviors that can ruin any potential for lasting love. What can you do?  Realize that giving negative emotions so much power can actually be harmful.

Focus your attention on pinpointing what’s troubling you.  Notice any patterns that are common in all your relationships.  While you may not be at fault for some patterns, there may be others you have been perpetuating.  Be responsible for changing what you can about yourself.  By identifying a problem, you’ve taken the first step toward  releasing it.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Relationship Coach and co-author of 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 & Yes, 60! Visit www.womendatingafter40.com to receive a free Dating Tip Sheet along with a Tip of the Week on dating success strategies.

Dating After Divorce: Don’t Be Deceived by These 3 Words

By Sharon Brooks

Dating after a divorce can be both exhilarating and frightening. It’s exciting to imagine a new life with someone else — a fresh start. But it can also be scary wondering if, and when, you will ever find love again. I thought I found love again, but as I sat in my dining room staring at our two plates of untouched food, I wondered how the evening went so terribly wrong. It was supposed to be like most other nights when we would have dinner, share stories about our day, watch television and relax. But something was different about that night. It would never be the same again. I watched in disbelief as he drove away from my house. The tail lights on his car became dimmer as he neared the end of my street and I feared he would never come back to me.

I had truly believed he would become my second husband and father of my children. After my painful divorce, I was determined to make this relationship work. My family and friends adored him. By all outward appearances, he seemed to be a “great catch” — handsome, successful, personable and well-liked by everyone. He seemed to have his act together.

As our relationship progressed and his persona of perfection began to unravel, I didn’t care. The warning signs were there, but I didn’t have the conscious awareness to recognize them as such. Why? I was mesmerized by the three most powerful words he continually said to me, “I love you.”

Those words allowed me to make excuses for his bad behavior which included spending time with his friends instead of me, cheating on me, being overly critical, and disrespecting me. I was never a priority in his life, but I didn’t complain. He said he loved me.

There were many times when he was cold and distant. When I inquired as to the reason, he was very dismissive. When I initiated discussions about marriage, he always said he needed more time. He stated we would get married, but he just wasn’t ready yet. The morsels of hope kept me going year after year. I worked so hard to keep the relationship together and, in spite of his behavior, I treated him like a king. After growing up in a home with a lot of conflict, I had learned to avoid confrontation. My parents’ divorce taught me to do everything opposite of them, so I was convinced being a people pleaser was the key to a successful relationship. I was so stupid.

After five years of dating and no wedding date in sight, I broke up with him that fateful night in my dining room. I was frustrated and thought the time apart would convince him how much he wanted to marry me. It didn’t. He began dating someone else two weeks later. How could he leave me after five years and then begin dating someone else so soon? After all, he said he loved me.

My acceptance of reality was a slow, painful process. I had been intoxicated by his constant declaration of “I love you.” I believed his words. But they were just words. Never having witnessed a demonstrative, loving relationship between my parents growing up, I didn’t know what love looked like. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I thought the words were good enough. Now I know better, but I think it’s a challenge faced by many adult children of divorce. As kids, most of our parents talked to us about sex and drugs, but if there was no conversation about what love looks like, it’s easy to see how the cycle of divorce in a family can continue.

Our breakup bruised my ego. I felt ashamed to acknowledge I had stayed in a dysfunctional relationship for five years because I was so vulnerable to those three words. I had only myself to blame for tolerating such poor behavior for so long. Once you feel better about yourself, being treated poorly is not an option. When your significant other says “I love you,” ask yourself if their behavior is indicative of love. Sure, the words are nice to hear, but without the behavior to back them up, they’re just three little meaningless words.

Sharon Brooks is author of “If Your Parents Divorced, Will You Too?: How to Break the Cycle of Divorce and Create a Successful Relationship of Your Own.”

Tis The Season For Bad Dates

By Bobbi Palmer, The Dating and Relationship Coach for Women over 40

Have you noticed there may be something in the air besides holiday spirit? This time of year can be confusing for single gals. You might have been dating a special someone, things were moving right along when suddenly the holiday season hits– and he slams on the breaks. So what gives?

At the same time you’re feeling anxious over being dateless for New Year’s Eve, men are choosing to hunker down and stop dating, or to end seemingly budding relationships.

I realize that this is not good news. If it helps, I have no empirical evidence to back this up. What I do have is my personal experience being single for 30 years before marrying at 47, and the experience of my countless clients and single girlfriends.

I’m sharing my theory here in hopes of helping you avoid some unnecessary anxiety or pain during this holiday season. Emotions seem to magnify this time of year. Breakups seem far more painful, and being single seems a little lonelier. While it can be a joyous time, it can also be difficult for some

In about mid-November, we gals start grumbling “Here we go again…another freakin’ year with no kiss at midnight.” Or many women do what I used to do: we make plans with girlfriends that involve jammies, food and wine, and bedtime by 11.

Some single guys dread the holidays too, but for different reasons. While they may wish they were in love like us, their reasons for being bummed may have more to do with how much emphasis women can put on romance (or the lack thereof) at this time of year.

Two commonly confusing scenarios and what they mean:

Scenario One: Uncommitted

Let’s say a man is dating someone but it hasn’t moved into a committed relationship. This is when he may start questioning whether she is possibly The One. He may like her, but if the answer is “no” he may see this as the right time to break up.

Why? Because he doesn’t want to invest in a woman who isn’t going to be around for the long haul. I know what you’re thinking: the creep just doesn’t want to buy presents! That may come into play, but I’m referring to emotional investment. Most men understand that when he makes you his date for his company Christmas party or family Hanukkah bash, you might interpret it as a sign of a serious relationship.

Scenario Two: Putting It on Pause

The second scenario is the guy who has been dating and looking for a relationship, but isn’t currently seeing anyone regularly. He may think it’s a good time to put dating on pause. Why? Because he too knows the importance women can place on holiday dates, and he doesn’t want to risk giving any false impressions.

In both instances it’s true that there is a question of presents. What kind of present do you get someone if you’re not sure she’s someone you want to keep dating? After how many dates is a present required? What if he really wants to get you something wonderful – just because he’s a nice guy – but he doesn’t want you to think it’s more than it is?

There is a bottom line to all this: Drama Prevention. These conundrums over what you might want and what you might think have great potential to introduce misunderstanding and crossed signals. That creates drama. And drama, sister, is a man’s greatest dread.

I know you want a date for parties and events. And there’s some “thing” about having another year go by without finding love. But you are a spectacular, smart, loving woman who has not YET found her ideal man. He is out there.

So if you get a “Dear Sally” email or men just aren’t asking you out, it’s okay. It’s for a reason that is ultimately good for you. Accept breakups as getting rid of the wrong guy. And if you have a date, avoid misunderstandings by keeping it in perspective. When a man shares time with you during the holidays, especially one you have recently met, that may be just what he’s doing: sharing time with you.

I’m not saying to stop looking to meet nice men – you should never do that – but work on creating your own good times. Make plans with old friends, volunteer, go to the spa, read or write that book you’ve been putting off…or simply relax and enjoy some well-deserved down time.

Happy holidays! And remember to be good to yourself.

Bobbi Palmer is The Dating and Relationship Coach for Women over 40 and founder of Date Like a Grownup. She is not just a dating coach; she’s a dating success story! Bobbi was married for the first time at age 47 and describes her spectacular husband as “the yummy icing on her already-good cake.”

5 Success Tips When Starting a New Relationship

Relationship experts, Rosalind Sedacca and Amy Sherman offer the following suggestions to women who are starting a new relationship:

1.  Be aware of unresolved baggage. Emotional scars and wounds from your past can easily sabotage any new relationship.  Take the time to identify unresolved feelings of anger, hurt, guilt and disappointment from the past and accept these feelings as lessons learned.  It then becomes easier to move on.

2.  Avoid “fairy-tale” thinking.  It’s not your partner’s job to make you happy.  It is your responsibility to love and value yourself when you enter a relationship.  Dependency and neediness are not attractive qualities. It is also an illusion to assume any one person can meet all your needs or desires.

3.  Start with friendship first. This level of comfort translates into a solid foundation for love to blossom and intimacy to develop.  So be friends first before you open the door to the physical and emotional closeness that is so essential to a solid partnership.

4. Be sure your expectations are realistic.  Are your demands about weight, age, height, financial success and other factors limiting your ability to find the right partner?  Being flexible, objective and fair prevents us from setting ourselves up for the pain and disappointment of unrealistic expectations.

5.  Communicate effectively by encouraging open, honest dialogue.  In addition to your words, be attuned to your partner’s nonverbal cues and body language.  Also be aware of your own cues that can trigger messages and unconscious signals to your partner.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the co-author of 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 & Yes, 60! Visit www.womendatingafter40.com to receive a complimentary Tip Sheet along with a Tip of the Week which spans every facet of dating success — from preparing for your first date to determining whether your partner is a “keeper.”

Kim Kardashian’s Divorce: a Reminder about Relationship Mistakes to Avoid

Sadly, celebrity divorces make all the headlines for all the wrong reasons.  They showcase the most unconscious behavior, especially when it comes to relationships. Kim Kardashian’s marriage gone off tracks after such a short time is just one more example.

It appears Kim spent more time working out her wedding details than on determining whether this was a good match from the start. Unfortunately, celebrities are not alone in making this common mistake. Too many couples think no further than the honeymoon plans when contemplating marriage. They have no idea about the complexity behind real relationship issues and the maturity it takes to create a successful long-term outcome.

Divorced couples do. They learn through hindsight about the challenges two people face when living together week after week, month after month in today’s stress-filled world.  It takes awareness, flexibility, great communication skills and the ability to understand your partner’s perspective to make a relationship work – and that’s just for routine life experiences. Throw in accidents, sickness, job loss and other major stressors, not to mention the complexities that come with having children, and it’s easy to understand why so many marriages fail and too often end in divorce.

If you’re divorced and looking to find a healthier, happier relationship ahead, or marrying for the first time and want to avoid relationship disasters, here are some tips that are worth serious consideration:

• Know your partner well — during the good times and the bad. It’s after you face disagreements, nursing your partner through an illness and other life challenges that you find out who you are really contemplating spending the rest of your life with. If what you discover makes you uncomfortable, have some serious conversations – or move on before making any further commitments.

• Don’t expect to be “completed,” “saved,” or “fixed.” No one can fill the void in your inner self. You’re setting your partner up for failure if you expect them to fix your problems and love you through your unresolved issues. Do the inner work on yourself first, perhaps with the support of a therapist. Heal your wounds and neediness. Then seek out another soul who has done the same to partner with you.

• Be hooked on more than just romance. Happily married couples will tell you that you have to be more than great bed-mates to make a real relationship work. Look for common values, goals, beliefs and interests. Opposites may attract in the short-term, but you want a marriage based on respect and sharing a future together. If your core values and interests are not in alignment, you’re facing a tougher road ahead.

• Be your authentic self – and don’t change for a partner’s approval.  You can’t fake your way through a marriage. If you hate sports, the internet or pets, state it up front and find a mate who loves you knowing this reality. It’s unfair to hide your true self from your partner and it’s a disservice to yourself pretending to be who you are not. Honor who you are and look for a partner with high self-esteem who loves themselves as they are. That’s a formula for lasting relationship success!

As Kim Kardashian discovered, money won’t buy you a happy marriage. You can’t use sensuality as a substitute for good sense.  Relationships don’t have storybook endings. They require constant attention, the ability to sacrifice and compromise at times, and a heavy dose of respect for the person you brought into your life.

Before setting out in the relationship world, work on your inner demons, let go of the baggage from previous relationships, and take your time in getting to know the special partner you are choosing. There’s no magic wand that will make your relationship succeed, but these guidelines will set you on a course that will circumvent a lot of pot holes along the road to happily ever after.

*     *     *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a divorce and relationship coach. She is founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents and author of the internationally acclaimed ebook: How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love!  She is also co-author of the new book: 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 & Yes, 60! Her free divorce and parenting tip sheet and coaching programs are available at www.childcentereddivorce.com. Rosalind’s free dating tip sheet and relationships courses can be found at www.womendatingafter40.com.

Dating safety Tips

Ready to go on your date? Excited? Hoping this could be the special one? We hope your date is everything you wish for and more! Have fun, but also be concerned about your safety! We’ve added a few tips to follow along with using our unique online dating safety tool!

Here are a few dating safety tips to follow:

• When meeting for the first time, never allow your date to pick you up from your home. In fact, your date shouldn’t even know your home address yet!

• For a first meeting, always meet in a public place where other people are in close proximity. You may also want to consider going out with a group of people, or a double date.

• It’s important never to let your guard down when on a first date. Never assume a man is safe just because he claims to be religious or a gentleman.

• If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. And if you haven’t met him before, and you know at the beginning of the date that something doesn’t feel right, then leave immediately.

• As you chat via email and on the phone you may be able to start to pick out characteristics of the other person. Are they controlling? Do they seem to anger easily? Do they avoid some of your questions? These can be questionable characteristics that tell you it’s time to move on.

• Be sure not to include your last name, address, workplace, phone number, or any other identifying information when corresponding online.

• Surprise call. Call your date at unscheduled times. If your date real appreciates spending the time with you, they will never complain about you calling, at anytime. Look for signs of stress. And again, listen to background noice and make sure nothing is out of the ordinary.

• Never rush into a date. Get to know the person on the other side, especially when you can see them. Find out about his habits, how to talks, and how his mood changes. If you sense that something is wrong with this person overtime, than there probably is.

• Get a free anonymous e-mail account. NEVER give out your real email or name online. Remove any names and email address that you use for online dating purposes.

bConcerned.com has the technology and the resources to monitor your personal safety and is backed by their passionate support staff that is dedicated to monitoring your safe arrival! Our goal at bConcerned.com is to provide a unique service to its members that is user friendly and aims to create an innovative platform in the public safety field. Visit www.bConcerned.com to learn more.

Dating After Divorce and Other Lessons Learned

Dating After Divorce and Other Lessons Learned

By Susan Orlins

After my separation at age 52, I thought I’d simply revert to the lively dating life I’d had in my twenties. It didn’t work that way. Most men my age seemed to have an eye only for women whose necks were long and smooth like a Chardonnay bottle.

• I thought cosmetic surgery would help. Then I looked around and, though I saw some women who’d benefitted, I decided the possibility of looking worse was too real. And who wants to have their head stapled anyway?
• I threw my self a divorce party, which was a great way to meet people. Plus it gave me a celebratory Auntie Mame aura.
• At every opportunity, I cultivated new friendships with interesting men to go to dinner with. I never hesitated to call a guy to join me for an outing.
• Everyone said you have to lie about your age. But lying about my age on my online dating profile backfired. If you decide to lie about your age, I suggest preserving the deception. Thinking I was being up front, I’d fess up right away and that was the end before there was even a beginning.
• One friend told me he was fixed up with a woman he liked, but he thought she was too young, 48 to his 56. He wanted to age together with someone. Then he learned she had lied about her age, but he never asked her out again.
• Avoid using the C-word or references to accelerating a relationship too soon. Some men are terrified of commitment, which everyone knows, but after divorce that kind of memory can dim.
• On the other hand, men seem to get scooped up within months of becoming divorced or widowed, so timing is tricky.
• I spent several years with Mr. Wrong and it was a wonderful time. I learned to give up notions I had when I was younger of how someone needed to look or act for me to be attracted. I learned to broaden the narrow universe of available men.
• I weighed the odds. It took going to around 10 singles events to meet one guy I wanted to go out with. Finally I decided I’d rather spend the time going to a movie alone.
• Swing dancing saved me. Just knowing I could go dancing any night of the week gave me a boost. Maybe I’d go once or twice a week. The music, the exercise, the human contact was exhilirating. People were there to dance, so not much for dating opportunities, but doing something I loved was more fun than a mediocre date!
• Every summer I try to take a bike trip. Exercise always elevates the mood. Yoga adds yet another dimension. Being kind to your body helps your soul.
• Going out with couples can be twice the fun.
• Reframing helps. In my case, rather than feeling sorry for myself, I thought about the positives of being able to spend more time with my aging parents. Also I have some treasured friendships that divorce allowed me time to cultivate.
• I compensated for the time my children spent with their dad. For example, I began getting up early so we could all have breakfast together before they went to school (which felt like the 50′s, when I was a kid).
• I learned from others. One night I heard Paula Allende on C-Span talking about her daughter Paula, who had died. She referred to the remarkable ability of the human spirit to rise above adversity. Wow, if she could, then so could I. Though of course, the loss of a child is something you never recover from the way you can from a divorce.
• Divorced with kids means “married for life.” So if your ex is as devoted to the kids as mine is, then it improves both your and your kids’ lives to strive for harmony. We have been taking “family” vacations every summer for around 8 years now. We all look forward to that week.
• Finally, I learned I don’t need a man to make me whole, in fact, my newest worry is
  What if I meet a guy I like? Then what?

Follow Susan Orlins on Twitter: www.twitter.com/susanorlins