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Many people, especially women, believe being in a relationship means not keeping any secrets and sharing every thought, doubt and fear with your partner. This can be destructive to a relationship in many ways. We must remember that not everything we think and do is productive for relationship success. Before sharing a secret ask yourself these questions:

1. Will my partner feel closer to me when knowing this secret?
2. Will sharing this secret make me a better person?
3. Are the lessons learned from my secret only of value to me — or will they be of value to my partner?
4. Am I sharing this secret to relieve me of guilt — and will that give pain to my partner?

In summary, not all secrets should be shared. Don’t share a secret that will pain your partner while giving you relief … that will hurt your partner while they are powerless to change the outcome … that delivers lessons meant for you and not your partner. Think in terms of “us and we” when making decisions that may hurt or negatively impact your partner and you will be rewarded with a happier, healthier relationship.
Rosalind Sedacca, CLC is a Dating & Relationships Coach and Dating in Mid-Life Mentor as well as co-author of 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 & Yes, 60!

Published in Bustle.com with expert comments from Rosalind Sedacca. CLC

 

https://www.bustle.com/articles/155731-8-things-you-should-always-expect-in-a-relationship-according-to-experts

I believe I have dating down to a science.  I put on the same outfit,  jeans, white t-shirt, boots and a leather jacket.  I Uber to the location.  I go in with an open mind, an open heart, and a hope that this date will be the start of something amazing.  I’ve been on every dating app imaginable. Seriously, I’ve done them all. Am I picky? No. Do I know what I’m looking for? I think so. Are there deal breakers? Of course. Do I feel like the only normal person out here? Yes.

This was the first time I was actually excited about a date, because I met him a couple of times before, through a mutual friend. It wasn’t going to be a complete coin toss in the air that you get with the dating apps. I already thought he was cute, funny and we had some chemistry. The date began with a tiny red flag though, as we were to meet for drinks first, then hook up with his friends for a March Madness game. This wasn’t my ideal first date, but I figured I will just go with the flow. One of my friends would meet us there as well, so I wouldn’t feel like I’m totally alone with the bro’s.

The date started off great; we had our first drink, normal chit-chat about family, work and where we grew up, were laughing and having a great time.  I thought we were really hitting if off. One thing I forgot to mention was that he was short. I am 5’9” and he was probably 5’6”. Not too terrible, and not a deal breaker for me, although I did think about it before going on this date. I brushed it aside. Half way through, we started talking about food and how he loves going to a really nice steak restaurant after a stressful week of work. I mentioned that I was a vegetarian, have been for 7 years, and had no problem with people eating meat around me. I wouldn’t impose my belief system on him, as it’s a commitment I alone decided for myself.

We then go to the bar where the game and his friends were. Luckily, my girlfriend showed up a couple of minutes later, because he started acting weird. He sat on the other couch away from me.  The rest of the night he avoided me.  Finally, after a while, I sat down next to him and started talking. He proceeds to tell me that his friend REALLY likes me. Completely confused by this whole thing, I make him repeat what he said, because why would he be telling me this? He tells me again that his friend REALLY likes me. So I respond, “Don’t you think it’s weird that you’re telling me your friend really likes me, when I am on a date with you?” He then tells me that I’m too tall and that he apparently had a discussion about this with his mother. My height shouldn’t have been a surprise, since he met me before with heals on. Plus, on this date I was wearing flats.

I tell him that height is not a deal breaker for me and that there are much more important things to a relationship.  He also says he can’t be with someone who is a vegetarian. Again, I explain that these superficial things are so low on my spectrum of importance and that finding someone with high integrity and good values are really what matters.

Needless to say, I text my friend this conversation and she, without any hesitation, calls us an Uber and we left this disastrous date.

He clearly had a definite checklist of what he wants for his preferred partner.   But, if we place so many limitations, we shorten our choices and miss out on possibilities and amazing opportunities.  For me, it’s about chemistry, fun, passion, interests and commitment. Did I have a moment and question about his height? Yes. Ten years ago this would have been a deal breaker, but I thought about it and realized it wasn’t that important. Height has nothing to do with a person’s character or how well he will ultimately treat me.

A lot of emotional energy goes into these dates, so when they don’t work out, it is hard to process. I don’t want to get discouraged or become cynical, so I am always hopeful that the next one will be “The One” that will change my life.  I truly want to get off these dating apps.   I am committed to attracting the right person into my life and when it does happen, it will be amazing and well worth the wait.  I know that I didn’t do anything wrong on this particular date. He clearly had made up his mind and maybe, one day, he’ll look back and regret his decision. Then again, maybe he won’t. Meanwhile, I’ll just wait for Ryan Gosling to ask me out instead.

Nicole Sherman is a certified yoga instructor and the founder of HonuYoga.com, a site dedicated to cleaning up the ocean and preserving sea turtles with every yoga T-shirt sold. 

Online darting, especially after age 50 or 60, can be quite different from past relationship experiences. Be prepared for new challenges and new levels of awareness. Meeting prospective new partners can be exciting. However, you need to be cautious when dating in today’s world. Keep your antenna up and be alert. Have fun, but also be concerned about your safety! Here are some valuable tips to ensure you are dating safely and wisely.

Crucial safe dating tips to follow:

  • When meeting for the first time, don’t let your date to pick you up at your home. Never provide your home address or other personal details!
  • For first or second dates, always meet in a safe public place where other people are in close proximity. Another option is to go out with a group of people, or a double date.
  • Be diligent and never let your guard down on a first date. Don’t get fooled by reassuring words. Never assume, for example, that a man is safe because he claims to be religious, a “gentleman” or a nice guy .
  • Trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. If you haven’t met him before and sense from the beginning of the date that something doesn’t feel right, then leave immediately. Be polite, but safety first!
  • Be alert. When chatting via email, text or phone, pay attention. You can get a “take” on characteristics, quality traits or values from these conversations. Is he rigid or controlling? Does he seem to anger easily? Is he avoiding some of your questions? These can be red flag warnings that it’s time to move on.
  • Never share your last name, address, workplace, phone number, or any other identifying information when corresponding online. Maintain anonymity until you feel you are in safe company.
  • Try the surprise call test. Call your date at unscheduled times. If he really appreciates spending time with you, he will be pleased and not complain about your unexpected calls. Watch for signs of stress or inconsistency in behavior or messages. Always be alert for the unspoken nuances, inconsistent body language and voice tone and anything out of the ordinary.
  • Never feel compelled to rush into dating. Neediness attracts users and manipulators. Take the time to know and trust your prospective date, especially before actually me. Learn and ask questions about his interests, beliefs, and habits. Listen to how he talks and responds to you. Be aware of how his mood changes. If you sense that something is wrong, trust your instinct on this. There probably is.
  • Before dating online get a free anonymous e-mail account. Never give out your real email or name online. Feel free to change your online dating address and name if you feel you’re being hassled by anyone. Think safety at all times.

By following these tips you can enjoy rewarding dating experiences knowing you are protecting yourself through diligence and awareness.

***       ***       ***

Rosalind Sedacca, CLC is a Dating in Midlife Mentor and Coach. She is co-author of 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 & Yes, 60! She is also co-creator of the DatingRescue! 10-week eCourse for women and the Create Your Ideal Relationship Kit for women over forty. Learn more at: www.womendatingafter40.com and www.womendatingrescue.com.

 

 

 

You have to think of dating as a numbers game.  The more men you meet and go out with, the closer you will get to the guy that is truly someone special.  If you think of it that way, you will not get disillusioned or frustrated that “all the good men are taken.”

It also gives you the hope and incentive to keep dating because the next guy you meet could be “the one.” So, after 10 dates with 10 different guys, you start feeling that it’s never going to happen for you, just know that the 11th guy may be just the guy you were looking for.

Here are some tips to help you stay hopeful while dating:

  1. Realize that any guy you meet can be a potential life partner. So, be open-minded, flexible and don’t pass judgment until you know him a little better.
  1. Step out of your comfort zone and pick guys who you ordinarily wouldn’t date, maybe someone heavier, shorter, less educated or even of a different faith, because you never know, he may possess other qualities which override these differences.
  1. Approach dating with a fun attitude. Be happy, pleasant, enjoy yourself and if nothing else, you had a nice evening out.
  1. First impressions are not always right. Some guys are nervous and will act like jerks on a first date. Give your date a few tries before deciding he’s not right for you, because he just may have first-date jitters – and actually be a nice guy.
  1. You have nothing to lose but your time when you date. So if you meet a new guy for a drink, think of it as two hours out of your day with someone you may or may not be interested in. If you were interested in him, then it was time well spent.  If you weren’t, then you lost some precious time, but you won’t know this unless you try.

Here’s the bottom line…dating is your only way of finding Mr. Right.  So, go out with a good attitude and consider each date as a potential candidate for a long-term relationship.  After all, maybe #20 is going to be “The One for You.”

Amy Sherman is a Dating & Relationship Coach and co-author of “99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 and Yes, 60!”  Contact for Free Coaching Call amybethsherman@gmail.com

Here are some significant suggestions to avoid immature dating habits​ destined to fail​.

1. Using flirting techniques: Dating is about getting to know an authentic person as a potential partner. Flirting may temporarily attract someone’s interest but if that’s not part of your personality, you’ve wasted your time and your date’s time. Be yourself!

2. Dating rules and games: Waiting a number of days before calling or asking for another date, turning down dates to appear more popular, having sex on the third date or following other absurd rules smacks of immaturity and insecurity. Life doesn’t have a rule boo​k, neither should successful dating.

3. Expecting your partner to change your life, help you, “fix” you, be the hero in your life. No one can do that for you but you. Looking for a knight in white armor is an unrealistic expectation doomed to failure and disappointment.

​Rosalind Sedacca is a Dating & Relationship Mentor, co-author of 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 & Yes, 60! and co-creator of the DatingRescue eCourse for women and Mastering the Challenges of Dating: A Success Formula for Men. ​Learn more at: ​www.womendatingafter40.com​, http://www.womendatingrescue.com​ ​and ​​www.mensdatingformula.com

Listen to Rosalind Sedacca’s interview on Family Matters with Dr. Virginia Collin on Dating After Divorce With Children.

http://cdn.voiceamerica.com/voice/011480/colin102715.mp3