Archive for February, 2014

Nobody wants to hear, “We have to talk,” because you know what’s coming!  But sometimes, you need to clear the air and get things off your chest to improve situations and redirect the relationship in a better direction.

What is the best way to start that conversation? I suggest you start by stating all the good things you experience about the relationship.  How you enjoy each other’s company, how much fun you have together, how you appreciate all the sweet things your partner does, etc.  Then, you can interject that there is one thing that is bothering you that you want to share.  At this point, you clearly without blame, express  how you FEEL when “this particular thing” happens and how you would be much happier if it stopped.  Again, clarify that you enjoy the relationship because there are so many other positive things you share and that you hope your partner can see how you feel and you can find some mutual compromise.

What you are doing is opening the floor to discussion and hopefully, to a solution.  You are stating how you feel about a certain problem that makes you uncomfortable and allowing your partner to see the situation through your eyes.  You are keeping the environment open, cordial, flexible and pleasant.  When you interject anger, disgust, stubbornness and annoyance, you will be putting your partner on the defensive, which will defeat your purpose of creating change.

Keep in mind that you may need to change as well in order for things to be a win-win situation.  So, let’s say that your partner is always late and doesn’t call.  To avoid your worrying, can he text you his approximate ETA?  Can you go separately to your destination and meet him there?  Can you give him an “earlier” time so he arrives at the real time?  Flexibility, compromise, understanding and respect are all components of a good romance and both of you need to adjust to meet the important needs of the other, so that resentment and frustration do not become the foundation of your relationship.

Amy Sherman is the co-founder of http://www.womendatingafter40.com.  She is a Dating/Relationship Coach and author of “99 things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 and Yes, 60!” You can reach her at amybethsherman@gmail.com

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Everyone knows that if you are going to apologize to someone, the worst thing you can say is, “I’m sorry that…”  If you are truly sorry for something hurtful that was done or said, the best way to apologize is to just say, “I’m sorry” and leave it at that.

The sooner the apology is said, the better it is.  If you wait weeks or months, it can still clear the air, but the pain and resentment may have built up, making the potential for forgiveness more difficult.

Sincerity is the key component here.  A true apology happens when your heart and mind are in sync, when you understand emotionally and intellectually what transpired and you take responsibility for unintentionally causing someone else to feel bad.

After your apology, avoid being defensive, because that would ruin the moment. “I’m sorry I said that, but I thought you wanted me to be honest,” is not the same as, “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”  We often tend to justify why we did what we did and that can cloud the focus of the apology.  Instead of wondering why the situation happened, understand that someone was hurt because of you and now you can resolve the situation through your heartfelt words.

Your sincere apology can be either written or spoken, but both must express your genuine intention for making amends.  People can see through a phony attempt to appease another person.  While you may want to apologize because you feel guilty, you are still making things right with someone else, so the intent is appropriate.

It’s hard to apologize for something you did, but a few simple words can make the difference between ruining your relationship or having a relationship.  We all want to know that someone will do better if they knew better.  Become a better person so you avoid making this same mistake over and over again in your new relationships.

Amy Sherman, MA, is a Relationship & Dating Coach and the co-author of “99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 and Yes, 60!” She can be reached at amybethsherman@gmail.com




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 1. How can a single woman beat the Valentine’s Day blues on Feb. 14?

A. Embrace your individualism, not your relationship status. You are much more than a single woman. You have talents, experience, a unique background, perhaps children, personal interests in your work, hobbies and activities, etc. It’s up to you to feel whole, complete and empowered as a valuable individual who happens to be single. Being a couple does not make you a better person – unless you feel inferior and believe that to be the case!

B. Valentine’s Day can stimulate feelings you might not have expected. These can run the gamut from anger to guilt, sadness, relief and more and it is possible to feel all of these at the same time. Understanding and acknowledging your feelings can help you make better decisions this time of year. It can be helpful to talk about your feelings with a close friend or a therapist to help you sort through them and understand them.

C. Understand that being single can really be a good thing. You’re not tied down to anyone or stuck in an unhappy relationship. Your life is full of possibilities. Every day can be an adventure – if you look at it that way. You can travel as you like, buy clothes as you like, date as you like – and you don’t have to share any of it with anyone!

D. Capitalize on the endless opportunities around you – if you really look for them.  Think you’re the only one who’s single over Valentine’s Day? Of course not.  According to statisticbrain.com there are 54 million other single people in the United States. This is important because that means there are 54 million single people that are also thinking about romance, love, and dating during and after Valentine’s Day.

2. What are a few things a single woman can do to make herself feel special, sans boyfriend, on V-day?

It’s important to do things you don’t ordinarily do, just because you are single.  Changing your attitude from a self-pity party to a fun-you party will make the difference between you getting through V-day in good spirits or not. So what can you do to step away from the norm and be a little bit more adventuresome?

Assemble a solo-party emergency kit, especially if you live alone. Stash some favorite delicacies in the pantry and freezer: bottles of your favorite wines and spirits; books, CDs and videos you know you’ll enjoy; firewood, bubble bath, candles — whatever makes you feel indulged and contented. Then have fun indulging yourself.  The bottom line is to take care of yourself enough so you start feeling good and realize how truly great you really are.

3. Any suggestions on activities she can do with her friends? Perhaps create her own non-romantic tradition?

Host a party. Invite singles and couples from work, church, school wherever. The more the merrier, and tell guests to bring a friend. It’s always fun to meet someone who is already a friend or acquaintance of someone you know, because then you know they can’t be that bad! But it really is a great way to expand your social circle and have fun, too.

Walk into the party like a winner. Be quietly confident. Smile. Walk tall. Sit up straight. Feel good about yourself. Do not walk into a party hoping that someone will notice you. Walk into a party expecting to be noticed. You are displaying your confidence and healthy self-esteem, but don’t be snobbish.  The worst thing to do is show everyone how insecure you are. So tell yourself – I AM good enough, I AM pretty enough, I AM ready to meet someone who is perfect for me. This is how you need to be presenting yourself to the world.  You are confident, deserving, important and a great catch, and that’s what you want everyone to think about you.

The best way to ensure you have a good time during your party is to just pretend you’re having a great time. So laugh a lot, or just smile a lot, be friendly and sociable, strike up conversations with lots of people, be funny and charming. A convincing performance may go a long way in convincing yourself, too. And once you believe it, you become it!

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Dating & Relationship Coach and co-author of 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 & Yes, 60! and the DatingRescue eCourse for women. To receive her free ebook on Smart Dating Advice for Women Over 40: Answers to Your Most-Asked Questions! visit http://www.womendatingafter40.com.


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One of the most difficult parts of being single is coping with the holidays. Valentine’s Day can be one of the most difficult to get through, especially when those around you are busy with their own romantic celebrations.

Among the greatest challenges for singles, especially the newly single, is avoiding self-pity. Overwhelmed by a sense of isolation, or feeling undervalued as a person, can often result in making poor choices that compound your feeling of aloneness, emptiness or low self-esteem.

Turning toward a support group of friends can be really helpful when these feelings arise. Seeking out a counselor or relationship coach can also be wise. These experienced professionals will provide advice and open the door to new resources for creating alternative options for getting through this Valentine’s Day.

When you love yourself you’re not likely to face life as a victim. Self-love gives you the inner strength to overcome fears, anxiety and other insecurities that plague many singles. You believe in yourself, your value and the future awaiting you. You’re empowered to take action, make new friends, and attract healthy new relationships in your life.

There’s a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Loneliness is a state of mind that can occur even in the midst of a large family gathering. If you’re afraid of being alone or experiencing the emptiness of feeling lonely, get professional support to help you understand your fears and redirect them to a state of greater self-confidence.

With the right mind-set, we can discover many pluses in being alone. Enjoying your own company is a great feeling when you don’t “need” to be with others to make you happy. Indulge yourself in books, films, nature, music, aromas and other things that make you feel good inside and out. Making time for YOU is a healthy way to express self-love.

If you choose to have company, remember there are hundreds of singles living in your community. Use the internet, social media networks, MeetUp groups, newspapers and other local resources to find out about Valentine’s Day events, parties, dinners or other activities specifically for singles.

Don’t hide your head in the sand. Get out, volunteer at community organizations and you’ll find new friends and ways to enjoy yourself without a partner. Remember, you’re not alone. Many others out there will be happy to meet you, and enjoy spending time with you on Valentine’s Day and throughout the year ahead!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Dating & Relationship Coach, co-creator of the DatingRescue eCourse for women, Mastering the Challenges of Dating: A Success Formula for Men and co-author of 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating At 40, 50 & Yes, 60! Her programs are available atwww.womendatingafter40.comwww.womendatingrescue.com and www.mensdatingformula.com.

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Your first date is crucial because you are making a first impression.  So it’s important that you don’t “blow” it by saying or doing things that will turn your date off.

There are several things to consider to prepare yourself for your date.

Arm yourself with basic questions that reveal some interests and even the character of your date, but will not make him/her feel uncomfortable. Ask, “What kind of work do you do?  Tell me about it. What kinds of things do you like to do in your leisure? Have you travelled much?  What are your pet peeves? What is the hardest thing you’ve ever done?  Is there something I should know about you that I am unlikely to ask?”

There are also certain questions you should never ask on the first date.  Avoid any question that puts someone on the spot, causing an awkward moment or silence.  Don’t ask anything YOU would feel uncomfortable answering. So avoid questions about previous relationships, mental health issues, salaries, politics, physical features on you or your date, your last therapy session or recent argument with your boss.

In addition, do not come on too strong, monopolizing the conversation.  Always be a good listener as well as a good conversationalist. The date should not be a question/answer session, but it should flow naturally and smoothly. Never talk only about yourself.

Remember, do not ignore the social cues of the person you are with.  These are the verbal and nonverbal signals that make you aware of how the evening is going. Is your date ignoring you? Is your date indicating it’s getting late? Always remain mindful of how you are coming across to the other person so you can avoid obvious no-no’s. Trust your inner antenna – intuition – your gut feeling. Pay attention to more than just words. What is it about your date’s body language, voice tone, eye contact, facial expressions and actions that are making you concerned? What is your date doing that is contradictory to what he/she is saying? Be very aware of reading the other person to make sure you find them safe, trustworthy, honest, etc.

Sometimes you know right away that things are not going well.  Your date is argumentative, talks too loudly, is pushy, gloomy, boring or just plain rude.  Obviously, you don’t want to tolerate a long evening with someone you are not compatible with.  However, you also don’t want to judge too quickly.  It could be first date jitters that are causing him/her to act so awfully.  Sometimes it’s good to give the other person another chance, because you both may just be too overwhelmed with nervousness to be yourselves.

Amy Sherman is a Relationship Coach and the co-author of “99 things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40 50 and Yes, 60!”To contact Amy, go to amybethsherman@gmail.com




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