Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Dating After Divorce’ Category

Listen to Rosalind Sedacca discuss many different topics related to divorce, parenting and dating after divorce.  Learn how to avoid mistakes that unwittingly do damage to your children and the best approaches to getting back into dating after divorce.  Click the link below

http://lnkd.in/txEpFw

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Although it is supposed to be fun, dating can be full of difficulties, especially for a single parent. When dating as a single parent, not only do you want to find a potential love match that is perfect for you, but you also want to find a potential love match that is accepting of your child. Once you have found the perfect mate who cares for both you and your child, your child may not be as accepting of your lover, though, and this can present another problem. If you find yourself dealing with this issue and you are looking for ways to balance your relationships, here are 5 ways you can keep the peace when your child doesn’t like your significant other.

1. Find Common Ground. If your child doesn’t seem to like your new significant other, chances are it has nothing to do with your lover but rather it has more to do with the fact that your lover isn’t your child’s biological parent. If you want your child to be more accepting of your significant other, encourage your lover to find something he or she has in common with your child. Perhaps it’s a love of baseball or a certain movie. Whatever it is, encourage bonding between your lover and child over this particular common like.

2. Don’t Choose Sides. If your significant other and your child seem to be forcing you to choose sides, do not feel pressured to do so. Let both your child and your lover know that you love them both and work together towards a compromise on the situation.

3. Don’t Force The Relationship. Although you want your child to build a healthy relationship with your significant other, try not to force the relationship. By forcing the relationship, your child may try to push back by liking that person even less. Instead, let the relationship between your child and significant other flourish at its own pace.

4. Keep The Peace With Your Ex. If you want your child to be more accepting of your significant other, it helps if you and your lover have a good relationship with your child’s other parent. When your child sees that you are all friends, it may help your child become more accepting of your significant other.

5. Talk To Your Child. If your child doesn’t like your significant other, encourage him or her to talk to you about the reasons why. Explain to your child that this person is not here to take the place of his or her mom or dad. If you encourage your child to talk to you about the issues, it may bring peace to the situation.

Dating can be difficult on its own, but dating as a single parent presents its own special problems. If you have dated and found that special someone you want to spend time with but your child doesn’t like your new significant other, there are ways you can help keep the peace in your household. If you want to have good relationships with both your child and your significant other, the above listed 5 tips will help you to keep the peace when your child does not like your new lover.

******

Christa loves spending time with her family, morning runs, and is a regular contributor for seniordating.org

Read Full Post »

I applaud parents who are striving to maintain their child-centered divorce even when they’ve started dating again. It’s not always the easiest path, but it certainly is the most rewarding in the long-term for your children. It involves understanding and respecting your children’s needs whenever you are making decisions about your own life.  As parents move beyond divorce and start thinking about the prospect of finding new relationships, there is much to take into account.

Here are some common questions I am asked and the advice I suggest.

Is it ok to date when you’re separated, or should you wait until you are legally divorced?

It’s always better to take some time to prepare yourself before starting to date – legally divorced or not. Are you feeling clear and complete regarding your divorce? Are you emotionally comfortable and ready to move on? Did you learn the lessons you need to learn so you don’t repeat past mistakes? Dating won’t resolve anger, conflicts and insecurities, so do the inner work first before getting out into the dating world – regardless of how long it takes.

How long should you wait before introducing your “dates” to your children?

Take your time and get to know your new partner very well before introducing them to your child of any age. Children are emotionally vulnerable when new adults enter their lives, especially when they’re dating Mom or Dad. Don’t create a revolving door of “new friends” for your children to meet. Wait until you know this is a very special friend worthy of their attention. And then take it very slowly.

Make sure you remind your children that no one will ever replace their “real” Mom or Dad (unless you are justified in doing so). The transitions are a lot smoother when the new “friend” doesn’t come across as a new “parent.”

On holidays, should you make an effort to try to spend time with your ex, to create a family-holiday atmosphere for your child?

In most cases the more time Mom and Dad spend “family style” with the children, the happier the kids are. If you can include your former spouse in holiday activities – even if for only a period of time – your children will appreciate that. You are modeling behavior your kids will emulate in their own lives. Give your children the gift of peace and harmony when you and your ex are together – and make it as often as possible!

Special events, graduations, birthdays and holidays can be so much more enjoyable when the kids don’t have to choose between the parents they love – and those parents behave like mature adults in their presence.

If you had a good relationship with your ex’s family, should you try to stay in touch?

You are only divorcing your former spouse, not your children’s grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. The more you can continue life routines as close to normal, the easier the transition for your children. Make every effort to maintain relationships with extended family on both sides. Your children will appreciate it and thank you! So will Grandma and Granddad.

How long does it take after you are divorced to start considering getting remarried?

Second marriages have higher divorce rates than first marriages. That’s because too many people don’t learn from their experiences and errors. Take your time in exploring the lessons and “gifts” from your divorce. See a counselor or join a support group for outside insights. Enjoy the dating process. When you feel you’ve sincerely let go of the baggage from the past you can then consider starting another new chapter in your life.

It’s the 21st Century, do you really need to be in a committed relationship to have sex?

In our culture sex is entwined with deep emotions, self-respect and security issues. Casual sex can work for a period of time, but usually not for both parties simultaneously. A committed relationship is based on trust, surrender, respect, safety, responsibility and maturity. These qualities make sex more satisfying and meaningful. People with high self-esteem usually prefer the emotional fulfillment of sex in a committed relationship. If you don’t, it’s worth spending time asking yourself why. You may discover some insights worth exploring more deeply.

Do you consider the children of the person you are dating as baggage, and does that necessarily have a negative connotation?

Anyone who considers their date’s children as baggage should never date anyone with children. Children deserve better than to be considered an annoyance to put up with. If you’re a parent, don’t ever date someone who does not love and enjoy your children. The relationship will only deteriorate and you never want to have to choose between your children and your love partner. If you feel burdened by your children, seek counseling to help work through this challenge. Children are sensitive. When they pick up on your feelings it will create emotional pain and insecurity that no child deserves.

 *    *    *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator, divorce coach and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For free articles, ezine and other valuable resources on creating a child-centered divorce, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Read Full Post »

By Sharon Brooks

Dating after a divorce can be both exhilarating and frightening. It’s exciting to imagine a new life with someone else — a fresh start. But it can also be scary wondering if, and when, you will ever find love again. I thought I found love again, but as I sat in my dining room staring at our two plates of untouched food, I wondered how the evening went so terribly wrong. It was supposed to be like most other nights when we would have dinner, share stories about our day, watch television and relax. But something was different about that night. It would never be the same again. I watched in disbelief as he drove away from my house. The tail lights on his car became dimmer as he neared the end of my street and I feared he would never come back to me.

I had truly believed he would become my second husband and father of my children. After my painful divorce, I was determined to make this relationship work. My family and friends adored him. By all outward appearances, he seemed to be a “great catch” — handsome, successful, personable and well-liked by everyone. He seemed to have his act together.

As our relationship progressed and his persona of perfection began to unravel, I didn’t care. The warning signs were there, but I didn’t have the conscious awareness to recognize them as such. Why? I was mesmerized by the three most powerful words he continually said to me, “I love you.”

Those words allowed me to make excuses for his bad behavior which included spending time with his friends instead of me, cheating on me, being overly critical, and disrespecting me. I was never a priority in his life, but I didn’t complain. He said he loved me.

There were many times when he was cold and distant. When I inquired as to the reason, he was very dismissive. When I initiated discussions about marriage, he always said he needed more time. He stated we would get married, but he just wasn’t ready yet. The morsels of hope kept me going year after year. I worked so hard to keep the relationship together and, in spite of his behavior, I treated him like a king. After growing up in a home with a lot of conflict, I had learned to avoid confrontation. My parents’ divorce taught me to do everything opposite of them, so I was convinced being a people pleaser was the key to a successful relationship. I was so stupid.

After five years of dating and no wedding date in sight, I broke up with him that fateful night in my dining room. I was frustrated and thought the time apart would convince him how much he wanted to marry me. It didn’t. He began dating someone else two weeks later. How could he leave me after five years and then begin dating someone else so soon? After all, he said he loved me.

My acceptance of reality was a slow, painful process. I had been intoxicated by his constant declaration of “I love you.” I believed his words. But they were just words. Never having witnessed a demonstrative, loving relationship between my parents growing up, I didn’t know what love looked like. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I thought the words were good enough. Now I know better, but I think it’s a challenge faced by many adult children of divorce. As kids, most of our parents talked to us about sex and drugs, but if there was no conversation about what love looks like, it’s easy to see how the cycle of divorce in a family can continue.

Our breakup bruised my ego. I felt ashamed to acknowledge I had stayed in a dysfunctional relationship for five years because I was so vulnerable to those three words. I had only myself to blame for tolerating such poor behavior for so long. Once you feel better about yourself, being treated poorly is not an option. When your significant other says “I love you,” ask yourself if their behavior is indicative of love. Sure, the words are nice to hear, but without the behavior to back them up, they’re just three little meaningless words.

Sharon Brooks is author of “If Your Parents Divorced, Will You Too?: How to Break the Cycle of Divorce and Create a Successful Relationship of Your Own.”

Read Full Post »

Dating After Divorce and Other Lessons Learned

By Susan Orlins

After my separation at age 52, I thought I’d simply revert to the lively dating life I’d had in my twenties. It didn’t work that way. Most men my age seemed to have an eye only for women whose necks were long and smooth like a Chardonnay bottle.

  • I thought cosmetic surgery would help. Then I looked around and, though I saw some women who’d benefitted, I decided the possibility of looking worse was too real. And who wants to have their head stapled anyway?
  • I threw my self a divorce party, which was a great way to meet people. Plus it gave me a celebratory Auntie Mame aura.
  • At every opportunity, I cultivated new friendships with interesting men to go to dinner with. I never hesitated to call a guy to join me for an outing.
  • Everyone said you have to lie about your age. But lying about my age on my online dating profile backfired. If you decide to lie about your age, I suggest preserving the deception. Thinking I was being up front, I’d fess up right away and that was the end before there was even a beginning.
  • One friend told me he was fixed up with a woman he liked, but he thought she was too young, 48 to his 56. He wanted to age together with someone. Then he learned she had lied about her age, but he never asked her out again.
  • Avoid using the C-word or references to accelerating a relationship too soon. Some men are terrified of commitment, which everyone knows, but after divorce that kind of memory can dim.
  • On the other hand, men seem to get scooped up within months of becoming divorced or widowed, so timing is tricky.
  • I spent several years with Mr. Wrong and it was a wonderful time. I learned to give up notions I had when I was younger of how someone needed to look or act for me to be attracted. I learned to broaden the narrow universe of available men.
  • I weighed the odds. It took going to around 10 singles events to meet one guy I wanted to go out with. Finally I decided I’d rather spend the time going to a movie alone.
  • Swing dancing saved me. Just knowing I could go dancing any night of the week gave me a boost. Maybe I’d go once or twice a week. The music, the exercise, the human contact was exhilirating. People were there to dance, so not much for dating opportunities, but doing something I loved was more fun than a mediocre date!
  • Every summer I try to take a bike trip. Exercise always elevates the mood. Yoga adds yet another dimension. Being kind to your body helps your soul.
  • Going out with couples can be twice the fun.
  • Reframing helps. In my case, rather than feeling sorry for myself, I thought about the positives of being able to spend more time with my aging parents. Also I have some treasured friendships that divorce allowed me time to cultivate.
  • I compensated for the time my children spent with their dad. For example, I began getting up early so we could all have breakfast together before they went to school (which felt like the 50’s, when I was a kid).
  • I learned from others. One night I heard Paula Allende on C-Span talking about her daughter Paula, who had died. She referred to the remarkable ability of the human spirit to rise above adversity. Wow, if she could, then so could I. Though of course, the loss of a child is something you never recover from the way you can from a divorce.
  • Divorced with kids means “married for life.” So if your ex is as devoted to the kids as mine is, then it improves both your and your kids’ lives to strive for harmony. We have been taking “family” vacations every summer for around 8 years now. We all look forward to that week.
  • Finally, I learned I don’t need a man to make me whole, in fact, my newest worry is
    What if I meet a guy I like? Then what?

Follow Susan Orlins on Twitter: www.twitter.com/susanorlins

Read Full Post »

I applaud parents who are striving to create a child-centered divorce. It’s not always the easiest path, but it certainly is the most rewarding in the long-term for your children/teens. It involves understanding and respecting your children’s needs whenever you are making decisions about your own life. As parents move beyond divorce and start thinking about the prospect of finding new relationships, there is much to take into account.

Here are some common questions I am asked and the advice I suggest.

Is it ok to date when you’re separated, or should you wait until you are legally divorced?

It’s always better to take some time to prepare yourself before starting to date – legally divorced or not. Are you feeling clear and complete regarding your divorce? Are you emotionally comfortable and ready to move on? Did you learn the lessons you need to learn so you don’t repeat past mistakes? Dating won’t resolve anger, conflicts and insecurities, so do the inner work first before getting out into the dating world – regardless of how long it takes.

How long should you wait before introducing your “dates” to your children?

Take your time and get to know your new partner very well before introducing them to your child of any age. Children are emotionally vulnerable when new adults enter their lives, especially when they’re dating Mom or Dad. Don’t create a revolving door of “new friends” for your children to meet. Wait until you know this is a very special friend worthy of their attention. And then take it very slowly.

Make sure you remind your children that no one will ever replace their “real” Mom or Dad (unless you are justified in doing so). The transitions are a lot smoother when the new “friend” doesn’t come across as a new “parent.”

On holidays, should you make an effort to try to spend time with your ex, to create a family-holiday atmosphere for your child?

In most cases the more time Mom and Dad spend “family style” with the children, the happier the kids are. If you can include your former spouse in holiday activities – even if for only a period of time – your children will appreciate that. You are modeling behavior your kids will emulate in their own lives. Give your children the gift of peace and harmony when you and your ex are together – and make it as often as possible!

Special events, graduations, birthdays and holidays can be so much more enjoyable when the kids don’t have to choose between the parents they love – and those parents behave like mature adults in their presence.

If you had a good relationship with your ex’s family, should you try to stay in touch?

You are only divorcing your former spouse, not your children’s grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. The more you can continue life routines as close to normal, the easier the transition for your children. Make every effort to maintain relationships with extended family on both sides. Your children will appreciate it and thank you! So will Grandma and Granddad.

How long does it take after you are divorced to start considering getting remarried?

Second marriages have higher divorce rates than first marriages. That’s because too many people don’t learn from their experiences and errors. Take your time in exploring the lessons and “gifts” from your divorce. See a counselor or join a support group for outside insights. Enjoy the dating process. When you feel you’ve sincerely let go of the baggage from the past you can then consider starting another new chapter in your life.

It’s the 21st Century, do you really need to be in a committed relationship to have sex?

In our culture sex is entwined with deep emotions, self-respect and security issues. Casual sex can work for a period of time, but usually not for both parties simultaneously. A committed relationship is based on trust, surrender, respect, safety, responsibility and maturity. These qualities make sex more satisfying and meaningful. People with high self-esteem usually prefer the emotional fulfillment of sex in a committed relationship. If you don’t, it’s worth spending time asking yourself why. You may discover some insights worth exploring more deeply.

Do you consider the children of the person you are dating as baggage, and does that necessarily have a negative connotation?

Anyone who considers their date’s children as baggage should never date anyone with children. Children deserve better than to be considered an annoyance to put up with. If you’re a parent, don’t ever date someone who does not love and enjoy your children. The relationship will only deteriorate and you never want to have to choose between your children and your love partner. If you feel burdened by your children, seek counseling to help work through this challenge. Children are sensitive. When they pick up on your feelings it will create emotional pain and insecurity that no child deserves.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator, divorce coach and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For free articles, ezine and other valuable resources on creating a child-centered divorce, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Read Full Post »