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Archive for the ‘Relationship Pitfalls’ Category

Many people, especially women, believe being in a relationship means not keeping any secrets and sharing every thought, doubt and fear with your partner. This can be destructive to a relationship in many ways. We must remember that not everything we think and do is productive for relationship success. Before sharing a secret ask yourself these questions:

1. Will my partner feel closer to me when knowing this secret?
2. Will sharing this secret make me a better person?
3. Are the lessons learned from my secret only of value to me — or will they be of value to my partner?
4. Am I sharing this secret to relieve me of guilt — and will that give pain to my partner?

In summary, not all secrets should be shared. Don’t share a secret that will pain your partner while giving you relief … that will hurt your partner while they are powerless to change the outcome … that delivers lessons meant for you and not your partner. Think in terms of “us and we” when making decisions that may hurt or negatively impact your partner and you will be rewarded with a happier, healthier relationship.
Rosalind Sedacca, CLC is a Dating & Relationships Coach and Dating in Mid-Life Mentor as well as co-author of 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 & Yes, 60!

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I believe I have dating down to a science.  I put on the same outfit,  jeans, white t-shirt, boots and a leather jacket.  I Uber to the location.  I go in with an open mind, an open heart, and a hope that this date will be the start of something amazing.  I’ve been on every dating app imaginable. Seriously, I’ve done them all. Am I picky? No. Do I know what I’m looking for? I think so. Are there deal breakers? Of course. Do I feel like the only normal person out here? Yes.

This was the first time I was actually excited about a date, because I met him a couple of times before, through a mutual friend. It wasn’t going to be a complete coin toss in the air that you get with the dating apps. I already thought he was cute, funny and we had some chemistry. The date began with a tiny red flag though, as we were to meet for drinks first, then hook up with his friends for a March Madness game. This wasn’t my ideal first date, but I figured I will just go with the flow. One of my friends would meet us there as well, so I wouldn’t feel like I’m totally alone with the bro’s.

The date started off great; we had our first drink, normal chit-chat about family, work and where we grew up, were laughing and having a great time.  I thought we were really hitting if off. One thing I forgot to mention was that he was short. I am 5’9” and he was probably 5’6”. Not too terrible, and not a deal breaker for me, although I did think about it before going on this date. I brushed it aside. Half way through, we started talking about food and how he loves going to a really nice steak restaurant after a stressful week of work. I mentioned that I was a vegetarian, have been for 7 years, and had no problem with people eating meat around me. I wouldn’t impose my belief system on him, as it’s a commitment I alone decided for myself.

We then go to the bar where the game and his friends were. Luckily, my girlfriend showed up a couple of minutes later, because he started acting weird. He sat on the other couch away from me.  The rest of the night he avoided me.  Finally, after a while, I sat down next to him and started talking. He proceeds to tell me that his friend REALLY likes me. Completely confused by this whole thing, I make him repeat what he said, because why would he be telling me this? He tells me again that his friend REALLY likes me. So I respond, “Don’t you think it’s weird that you’re telling me your friend really likes me, when I am on a date with you?” He then tells me that I’m too tall and that he apparently had a discussion about this with his mother. My height shouldn’t have been a surprise, since he met me before with heals on. Plus, on this date I was wearing flats.

I tell him that height is not a deal breaker for me and that there are much more important things to a relationship.  He also says he can’t be with someone who is a vegetarian. Again, I explain that these superficial things are so low on my spectrum of importance and that finding someone with high integrity and good values are really what matters.

Needless to say, I text my friend this conversation and she, without any hesitation, calls us an Uber and we left this disastrous date.

He clearly had a definite checklist of what he wants for his preferred partner.   But, if we place so many limitations, we shorten our choices and miss out on possibilities and amazing opportunities.  For me, it’s about chemistry, fun, passion, interests and commitment. Did I have a moment and question about his height? Yes. Ten years ago this would have been a deal breaker, but I thought about it and realized it wasn’t that important. Height has nothing to do with a person’s character or how well he will ultimately treat me.

A lot of emotional energy goes into these dates, so when they don’t work out, it is hard to process. I don’t want to get discouraged or become cynical, so I am always hopeful that the next one will be “The One” that will change my life.  I truly want to get off these dating apps.   I am committed to attracting the right person into my life and when it does happen, it will be amazing and well worth the wait.  I know that I didn’t do anything wrong on this particular date. He clearly had made up his mind and maybe, one day, he’ll look back and regret his decision. Then again, maybe he won’t. Meanwhile, I’ll just wait for Ryan Gosling to ask me out instead.

Nicole Sherman is a certified yoga instructor and the founder of HonuYoga.com, a site dedicated to cleaning up the ocean and preserving sea turtles with every yoga T-shirt sold. 

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Some women have limiting self beliefs, like I am too old to find love or men will never find me attractive or I will always be single. Listen to Rosalind Sedacca discuss practical and insightful tips on how women can reframe their negative beliefs so that they can be successful in their love lives.

http://tinyurl.com/negez7z

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1. Be aware of unresolved baggage from your past, which would sabotage
your present relationship. Identify your feelings of anger, hurt, pain,
guilt, and disillusionment and accept these feelings as lessons learned.
It then becomes easier to move on.

2. Avoid “fairy-tale” thinking. It’s not your partner’s job to make you
happy. It is your responsibility to be all you can be when you enter a
relationship. Dependency and neediness are not attractive qualities, so
don’t assume anyone can meet all your needs or desires.

3. The basis for a healthy relationship is friendship. This level of
comfort translates into a solid foundation for love to blossom and intimacy
to develop. In other words, be friends first before you open the door to
the physical and emotional closeness that is so essential to a solid
partnership.

4. Be sure your expectations are realistic. Are your demands about weight,
age, height, financial success and other factors limiting your ability to
find the right partner who will love and appreciate you? You must be
flexible, objective and fair in your expectations, so you don’t set
yourself up for pain and disappointment.

5. Be able to communicate effectively by encouraging open, honest
dialogues. Be attuned to nonverbal cues and body language that can trigger
messages and unconscious signals to your partner.

6. Notice any uncomfortable behaviors that would be a sign of impending
abuse. Jealously, quick attachment, mood swings, anger issues, verbal
threats or distorted accusations are the “red flags” that spell caution.

7. Stop sacrificing yourself for the sake of your partner. It’s important
to be flexible whenever possible, while maintaining the values, integrity
and standards that are important to you.

8. Trust your intuition, which is that part of you with knowledge vital to
your well-being. This internal antenna continually sends you messages and
if anything or anyone makes you feel uneasy, don’t ignore it.

9. Successful relationships are built on mutual respect. Therefore, the
more you focus on negative aspects of your partner, the more you will deny
yourself the positive, attractive aspects you noticed when you first
started dating.

10. Maintain your individual interests, including friends, activities and
professional goals. You must be able to orchestrate your life and not
feel smothered.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Dating & Relationship Mentor, co-author of 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 & Yes, 60! and co-creator of the Create Your Ideal Relationship Kit for women over 40. Learn more about her and her programs at http://www.womendatingafter40.com, http://www.womendatingrescue.com and http://www.mensdatingformula.com.

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Relationships should be life enhancing and ever lasting. That’s why if you are recently divorced, widowed or between relationships and are ready to start dating again, you should know what to anticipate and how to avoid the common relationship pitfalls.

For men and women, it is often frightening and maybe even devastating to find themselves alone and having to start over. After all, meeting new people in new social venues can be very scary. Yet, many single boomers are making choices based on what they consider important and essential for their well-being and mental health. They are trusting that there is a life out there better than what they had before. They are willing to take the risk and be vulnerable, again.

I recently had a 50-year-old client who was newly divorced and determined to get on with her life. She enrolled in several senior online dating sites, carefully worded her profile page, found a recent, attractive picture of herself and had fun perusing through the pictures of many eligible men. What she didn’t anticipate were the reminders of her past life and all the anger, mistrust and disappointment she never worked through.

You can’t expect things to run smoothly in your new relationship if old baggage is still lingering. Any unfinished business from your past needs to be cleaned up as part of the process of closure and moving on.

Here are the steps you can take to release your negative emotions so that your dating experience is positive and successful:

1. Identify your “issues “. Are you having trust issues because your spouse cheated on you? Were you a victim of physical or emotional abuse from a controlling partner? Are you so co-dependent that you don’t know how to live your own life?
It helps to pinpoint what areas are bothering you and identify your underlying concern. Notice any patterns you keep repeating and be responsible for changing what you can about yourself. At the same time, realize you can’t change anyone else. Therefore, don’t expect to “fix” your new partner, especially if he/she has no interest in modifying what they do.

2. Once you know the problem areas, feel the feelings associated with them. Are you feeling sad, angry, guilty, bitter, hurt, resentful or just plain disillusioned? Some external trigger, like a familiar song, a comment, a certain look, a meal, etc, will usually uncover these feelings and other feelings that are suppressed. Your new partner, unaware as to what is going on, will be a clueless recipient of your snide remarks and inconsiderate behavior. By getting clear on what triggers may be setting you off, you can neutralize your feelings, making those emotions lose their negative charge. In that way, you allow your new relationship to move ahead successfully, without the usual drama.

Remember, you don’t want to repeat your mistakes and blame others for things going wrong. Instead, take a look at what part you play in allowing any situation to develop. If you could do things differently, you probably would. Insight is the gift you get for learning your lessons and taking another path.

3. Finally, visualize yourself happy in a relationship. You know what you want and what you don’t want. Have a clear image in your mind of your desired partner and see yourself happy together. Feel how that would feel. The more genuine the feelings are, the more you will attract what you are looking for and what you most deserve.

When you release old baggage from your past, it is very liberating. You feel a weight lift off your shoulders, setting you free to have a healthy, long term relationship. The time you spend letting go of the past will make you and your potential partner grateful that you took the time to clear your mind, heart and soul to love again.

Amy Sherman is a dating and relationship coach. She is the co-author of “99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 and Yes, 60!” and “Distress-Free Aging: A Boomer’s Guide to Creating a Fulfilled and Purposeful Life.” Go to http://www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.comto get more information and to sign up for her free eZine. Amy can be reached at amybethsherman@gmail.com

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Communication, in general, is the most difficult part of making a relationship work. We misunderstand one another, assume things that aren’t so, misinterpret messages and in other ways create conflict through poor communication skills. Texting adds fuel to the fire. It doesn’t provide the clarity or nuances one needs in a relationship. It is devoid of real intimacy, even when using loving words. It can easily be misconstrued. And it doesn’t help us strengthen our connection with our love partner.

Talking on the phone can increase feelings of intimacy through language as well as voice tone. Texting reduces the connection to its most basic level, devoid of feelings, sharing, caring and expression.

Starting a relationship depending on texting as your primary communication vehicle, or maintaining a relationship mainly through texting, is sabotaging and defeating.

If you’re not comfortable talking and sharing feelings with your partner, you’re not in a relationship. You’re just meeting to have sex. Don’t fool yourself into believing otherwise.

In reality, therapists have been teaching good communication skills forever. There’s a new App, CouplesCom, designed to teach more effective communication skills: active listening, validating, empathizing. Yes, that’s what works, but we need to use those skills innately, when we need them, without reverting to phone apps.

Phone apps don’t replace eye contact, body language signals, touch, voice tone and tender makeup kisses and hugs. Texting and apps are connected to a robotic world that works for certain types of job performance but not relationship fulfillment. They’re like blow-up sex dolls. Somewhat close, but not the same as the real thing. We can’t short-cut our way into creating lasting love relationships without good communication skills. Texting is taking couples down the road backwards!

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Dating/Relationship Coach and is the co-author of “99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40,50,and Yes, 60!”

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Jealousy is based on feelings of insecurity that come from within. If your partner is treating you disrespectfully by flirting with others, not expressing their love for you or invalidating your worth in the relationship – it’s time to pick up and leave. Those are signs of a bad relationship, not about jealousy issues in you. Never remain in a relationship in which jealousy is a constant part of your life.

If, however, you recognize that the jealousy is unfounded in reality but is still nagging at you regularly, ask yourself these questions:

1. What am I telling myself about this situation? Is it really true or based on my fears and insecurities?

2. Is my partner really disrespecting me – or could I be misinterpreting their words/behavior?

3. If I thought better of myself and had higher self-esteem would I still feel uncomfortable in this situation?

4. If I did or said the same thing as my partner did would they feel jealous as well?

5. Is this issue worth a blow-up over, or can I just relax and let it go?

6. Are jealousy issues making me possessive and controlling in my relationship? Will my partner continue to accept this behavior from me?

7. Am I a worthwhile relationship partner worthy of love and respect? If so, do I need to create this internal turmoil regarding my partner’s behavior?

Unfounded jealousy creates havoc in a relationship and can destroy trust and intimacy between partners. If you can identify your own insecurities behind your feelings of jealousy, then do the inner work. See a therapist, a relationship coach, join a support group, read about jealousy issues, catch your inner dialogue and talk yourself into a healthier state of mind.

Doing nothing can be devastating. If jealousy is in your nature, work on yourself to get a handle on its cause and damaging effects. Changing partners is of no value as jealous people will always find something to be jealous about before too long. Changing your state of mind — through guided inner processing — can help free you from this obsession, enhancing any relationship and boosting long-term happiness in your life.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Dating & Relationship Coach and co-author of 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 & Yes, 60! To receive a complimentary ebook, Smart Dating Advice for Women Over 40: Answers to Your Most-Asked Questions, along with a Tip of the Week which spans every facet of dating success — from preparing for your first date to determining whether your partner is a “keeper” — visit http://www.womendatingafter40.com.

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